Must open Mind

I write extemporaneously but sometimes an idea, a picture or a flash of words appear. I'm forced to mull over the topic trying to figure out why might this particular thing comes so insistently to mind. Mother-daughter relationships....is nagging at me waiting to be pulled out of the wool and examined. This topic is weighing heavily on me mostly because my daughters first birthday is coming up...and because my sister and I were remembering the our lives...and  my relationship with my mother......

My mother, the woman who bore and born me is irreplaceable. Sometimes I love her beyond measure simply because with one glance she understands me. Yet sometimes I know that she doesn't really know me all. In this particular relationship I've made many rationalizations of why this is. I remember thinking before I knew my punkins sex that I hoped she was a boy. My main reason is that I didn't want to be like my mother was to me. It scared the !@#$ out of me. What if one day I just decided that I was ready to leave!? What if I couldn't be good to her?! Almost two years later this seems silly, I cannot even imagine not loving my child...

I watched her walking today in the sneakers we went hunting for, her first pair ever. Thinking back on that moment has my eyes brimming with tears, shes getting so big. I was shocked to discover all of a sudden, my little lady. I know somewhere in my mind that one day she's gonna break my heart, that shes going to have to deal with the sudden awareness of being alive and sentient, that I'm not always going to be able to soothe her with a distraction until shes better, that one day she'll have her first heartbreak...it's dismal to think of...I may have to come back to this.